MIKE MEIERHENRY couldn’t sleep anymore. He had borrowed heavily from the bank to operate his farm, and the high interest rates ate away at his income. His wife, Pat, worked as a nurse, but her income wasn’t sufficient either. As farmers around them gave up and sold their land, Mike and Pat wrestled with feelings of depression. They began to argue about things, and their marriage faced increasing stress. As the situation worsened, Pat said her husband became a person she “didn’t recognize” anymore. Finally Mike told one of his sons, “I don’t know if I’m going to stay married.”
ROBERT HALL was the pastor of a small church. He was also a landscaper. He found it a struggle to serve his congregation while working about fifty hours a week running his landscaping business. He was so busy that one day he couldn’t find time to comfort a church member dying in the hospital. “Something snapped inside me,” he said after that day.
The increasing tension also poisoned his marriage, and he constantly fought with his wife, Juanita. One day they argued so loudly in the church that a member of the congregation heard them from another room. When the man opened the door to check on them, Robert ordered him to leave, and he and Juanita continued to argue.
ONE MORNING HAL HIGLEY found a letter addressed to his wife, Kathi. Suspicious, he questioned her, but she assured him the letter had come from a friend. Then she hid it.
Hal was uneasy. After Kathi left the house, he searched for the letter. When he found it, his “whole world fell apart.” The letter was from a man Kathi was seeing. Shortly before, Hal had been working overseas, and their marriage had been under increasing stress before he left.
After Hal found the letter, the couple sought counseling, but they continued to argue. Hal lost fifteen pounds from the stress and conflict, and eventually he told Kathi to decide if she wanted to stay married.
All three of the above stories are true, and all three have a surprising ending.
In 2018, Hal and Kathi celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Two years later, in 2020, Robert and Juanita also celebrated their fiftieth anniversary. For Mike and Pat, it’s even longer. In 2020, they celebrated fifty-nine years of marriage! More importantly, all three of these couples celebrated something else—victory. Their decision to stay together had brought untold blessings.
The world would no doubt have told them to give up and end their marriages. It would have told them to prioritize their own happiness—their own wants. It would have told them to put themselves first, promising that when they do, they’ll be better off. “Self-love,” the world calls it.
Many couples have listened to this message and ended their marriage, believing this would bring happiness. Studies, however, show that those who divorce are less likely to be happy five years later than those who stay married. And the life expectancy for divorced men and women is significantly lower than for married people. People also suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, especially women.
If these three couples could talk to those considering divorce, they would tell them to fight against the idea—to not give up. They would tell them that the joy of commitment is much more rewarding than the fleeting relief of divorce.
These couples don’t deny the painful realities and struggles they had in their marriages, but their message to other couples is that it is possible to overcome.
In a day when so many who once said, “I do,” are now saying, “I won’t,” what can we learn from them? We can learn to take courage and say, “I’ll try.”
Actually, if we trust in God, we can say, “I will!” God’s promises and principles never fail. These principles bring peace, joy, and satisfaction. God’s Word reveals the mind of an all-knowing Creator who wants the best for His creation.
The Bible doesn’t promise easy solutions. A true change that reaches into the heart and soul will require sacrifice.
“It wasn’t all roses,” Hal says, “but I can’t imagine a better situation than I have now. I couldn’t love my wife more, and our marriage is better than ever.”
When God created the world, He called it “very good.” He also filled it with “very good” blessings, including relationships.
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him . . . And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man (Genesis 2:18-23).
Through this miracle, God introduced another miracle—that of marriage. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Through marriage, God continues to bless the world in “very good” ways.
Marriage blesses husbands and wives as they create emotional, spiritual, and physical bonds. These bonds comfort and reassure couples during struggles and trials, and become stronger and more enduring as the years pass. Solomon, known for his wisdom, recognized this when he wrote, “Rejoice with the wife of thy youth” (Proverbs 5:18), and, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22).
Marriage bonds bless more than just the couples. God uses marriages to bless communities and cultures all over the world. Married couples provide the most loving, stable homes for children. In these homes, children learn how to love, serve, and care. They go on to bless others with the unique talents, characteristics, and purposes God has given them.
Even general society recognizes this Biblical truth. According to research by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, children who live with their married, biological parents have better physical, emotional, and academic well-being. Studies also show that people live longer, have less stress, and are more financially stable when they grow up in a home where both parents are present.
Another way married couples bless the world is that their love reflects and reveals the unconditional, sacrificial love of Jesus—the only love that brings true hope, peace, and victory. The Apostle Paul writes of this:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones (Ephesians 5:25-30).
As husbands and wives honor and respect each other, they testify of the beauty and power of submission, encouraging people everywhere to trust and submit to God. Paul also writes,
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing (Ephesians 5:22-24).
Keeping It Good
Because God blessed marriage, He established principles and parameters to protect it and to unleash all of marriage’s blessings. God designed marriage to be for one man and one woman. Jesus said, “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female” (Matthew 19:4).
God designed marriage as the only healthy way to experience the blessings of physical intimacy. When Paul was writing to single people, he was clear on the subject:
But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you” (Ephesians 5:3). “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; not in the lust of concupiscence (strong desire) (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, phrase in parentheses added).
Many people believe they can enjoy the blessings of marriage without marrying, but God denounces such relationships.
Once married, the Bible emphasizes that the man and woman must keep their vows for life. If married couples want to reap all the blessings God promised, they must be committed to being faithful to each other—and staying faithful.
Sadly, many people take their marriage vows much too lightly. As a result, divorce has become accepted in society. Tragically, today even many Christians divorce each other. Throughout history, cultures have embraced such new ideas only to learn later that they had embraced devastating lies. In the case of divorce, the most vulnerable in the family are devastated—the children. Divorce shatters their world. Research shows that children from divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty and are more likely to use drugs and alcohol.
The impact of divorce continues to haunt these children into adulthood. One psychologist noted that children of divorced parents “continued to experience substantial expectations of failure twenty-five years after the divorce.”
One woman wrote this about her parents’ divorce:
Thus was my world destroyed and I with it, for on that day something died in the heart of a child . . . I became a slave to despair. The quarrels ceased, to be sure, but cries of heartbroken children took their place . . . I wish I could take the hand of every parent harboring the thought of divorce, and lead them back with me into the valley through which I have come. If the hurt of an innocent child’s heart, the bitter shock of a tender life, the tears of the unwanted, misplaced child, and the horror and gloom could be called to witness in the divorce courts, no child would again have to walk the
dreadful road that starts with the signing of those final papers.
As this woman’s account testifies, divorce is terrible. It is not something God blesses. In fact, He hates it! In the Old Testament, the prophet Malachi says, “For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away” (Malachi 2:16; emphasis added). Malachi referred to divorce as an act of violence and treachery. And when the Israelites asked God why He wasn’t answering their prayers, Malachi specifically cited divorce as a reason.
At one point, though, God did allow the Israelites to divorce, providing guidelines for divorce and remarriage (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). But Moses never implied—let alone stated—that it was sanctioned by God. When the Pharisees asked Jesus about divorce, He replied, “For the hardness of your heart he (Moses) wrote you this precept” (Mark 10:5).
The Pharisees wanted Jesus to justify divorce so they could pursue their selfish desires. When Jesus answered their question, He ignored the allowance given in Deuteronomy 24. Instead, He cited Genesis 2:24 to emphasize God’s original ideal—that marriage lasts a lifetime. “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8).
Though Jesus didn’t give details, the idea of “one flesh” suggests that God somehow supernaturally binds a husband and wife. This union survives any man-made efforts to separate them, such as divorce. God specifically forbids anyone from trying to break this union. “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:9). How dare human beings try to separate what God has joined and sanctified?
Similarly, Jesus said God commands husbands and wives to “cleave” together, a verb meaning to glue or fasten together so tightly that they cannot be separated.
But Jesus didn’t just command or teach. The overall message of the Gospel is about His death and resurrection, through which He can now empower those who repent of their sins. Through this power, they can live up to God’s standard for marriage.
To summarize, the accommodation in the Law did not endorse divorce; it only regulated it. Jesus confirmed this by restoring God’s original ideal, which does not allow for divorce. And because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, no one can use the Law’s accommodation for divorce as a justification for it.
For Christians, divorce should never be an option.
No Exceptions
When husbands and wives divorce, not only do they sin, but their actions lead to more sin. Jesus said, “Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery” (Mark 10:11-12).
Matthew also records those same words, but he included a few more details. “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put
away doth commit adultery” (Matthew 19:9; emphasis added).
Those few words, which many today refer to as the “exception clause,” permitted one of two actions, depending on the interpretation of the Greek word translated as “fornication.” Some believe this permitted an engaged couple to end the engagement if the man or woman committed fornication. (In Jesus’ day, engaged Jewish couples were essentially married and needed legal means to end the engagement.)
Other Christians believe the exception clause applied to married couples but still didn’t permit divorce or remarriage. Instead, the clause permitted one spouse to separate from the other if the spouse was guilty of adultery, implying an ongoing, unrepentant attitude. However, this separation didn’t dissolve God’s supernatural bond, nor did the separation entitle either spouse to remarry. They simply stopped living together.
The Apostle Paul has a similar message. Though he doesn’t specifically mention adultery, he wrote that a husband or wife bears no guilt if an unbelieving spouse is determined to leave. “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15).
But though he allowed them to separate, Paul never said the innocent spouse could remarry, nor did he justify any subsequent divorce. He just said they were not “under bondage.” He was simply saying it is better to allow the person to leave than to live in strife. Paul makes this clear elsewhere in the chapter. In verse 39, he wrote, “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” Only death, Paul said, could dissolve the marriage bond.
Paul gave the innocent spouse two choices: stay single or reconcile with your spouse: “And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
By forbidding remarriage after separation, Paul also cites the relationship Jesus has with His bride, the church. In this relationship, Jesus pledges to remain faithful and to welcome back the unfaithful if they repent. God similarly described His relationship with Israel through the prophet Hosea. In this book, God commands the prophet to continue loving his adulterous wife. God likens this to His love for Israel. Despite His judgment against their wickedness, He longs for them to return to Him. If they do, He promised to love them freely and pour out His blessings on them. These promises of God are true, immutable, and unchangeable—just like the marriage covenant.
Fighting the Fire
It was September 4, 2011. The pine tree started swaying as the strong wind caught its branches. Brittle after many days of 100-degree weather and no rain, the tree succumbed to the gale and snapped. Before it landed, its branches became entangled in the power lines. When the lines tore, sparks erupted and ignited the dry trees of the forest.
Officials estimate the line snapped at about 2 p.m. It was 2:20 p.m. when someone called 911 to report the fire. Within a few minutes, ten more calls came in. When the Bastrop County district fire chief arrived three minutes after the first call, he likened the roar of the fire to a freight train. It was an inferno, with 80-foot flames devouring tree after tree.
It was the most destructive wildfire in the history of Texas. By the time firefighters extinguished the last flame over fifty days later, the fire had burned 32,400 acres and destroyed about 1,660 homes. Among these was the home of Patty Timmons and her husband.
In January of 2012, volunteers came to help the community build new houses. While many couples celebrated the occasion together, Patty did so alone. When she and her husband had returned to their property after the fire, they found nothing but ashes.
Discouraged and disillusioned, her husband left her soon afterward. Patty, however, didn’t totally blame the fire for their broken marriage. There had been other struggles earlier.
Many couples blame their circumstances for their problems. They believe if they could just change their circumstances, they would be better off. And so they divorce. What these couples don’t realize is that lasting marriages don’t thrive because they escape life’s fires. No, every couple faces hardships and disappointments—things that could ignite into a major blaze.
The difference is that those with lasting marriages learn to extinguish the fires before they rage out of control. In doing so, their marriages grow and flourish, ending up stronger than they were before. Instead of the failure of divorce, they turn their marriage into a beautiful emblem of love.
Fighting Together
Before couples can extinguish their conflicts, they must want to extinguish them. This requires the right attitude. There must be an attitude of reconciliation, not of always being “right.” As long as spouses strive to get their own way, the conflict will continue to smolder. And it won’t take much to reignite it.
The Bible warns that attitudes such as selfishness and anger destroy not only relationships but also the person who holds onto them. “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory” (Philippians 2:3). “The wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God” (James 1:20).
Instead of resorting to anger, the Bible encourages spouses to unite and channel their emotions and passions toward a common goal, such as a strong marriage. Then, even if they disagree on certain details, their mutual desire to strengthen their marriage will help them overcome their differences. By staying focused on the common goal, they are less likely to become distracted by their feelings.
The Bible also encourages people to seek the good and growth of others over their own wants and preferences. “Blessed are the meek,” Jesus says. The meek are those who willingly put aside their own preferences and demands to understand the other person’s perspective.
Communicate With Care
In a popular online video, a wife wants her husband to listen as she shares her struggles and stress. He, however, focuses on the nail sticking out of her forehead. When he interrupts his wife and suggests she remove the nail, she exclaims in frustration, “You always try to fix things when what I really need is for you to just listen!”
Though deliberately far-fetched, the story has a lesson. Even with the best of attitudes and intentions, couples can’t extinguish their conflicts without communicating well. And this requires them to first recognize and agree on the issue causing the conflict.
Often couples focus on symptoms. For instance, perhaps the wife worries that her husband doesn’t respect her because he regularly works late. However, when she discusses the issue with him, she tackles his late hours instead of her real concerns. Likewise, the husband might work late because he fears his boss will fire him, but he doesn’t communicate those fears.
When couples recognize and articulate the hidden issues, they can use them as a foundation for the rest of the discussion. They can then build on this foundation by employing strategies for effective listening and speaking. Let’s explore some of these principles.
Effective listeners:
Actively concentrate on the other person instead of thinking about how to respond. “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him” (Proverbs 18:13).
First respond by paraphrasing the other person’s thoughts to ensure correct understanding.
Check for and filter out false assumptions or biased interpretations.
Refuse to jump to conclusions about things the other person didn’t actually say.
Effective speakers:
Complement their words with a calm tone of voice and nonconfrontational body language.
Use “I” words that don’t accuse the other person. Instead of saying, “You don’t listen,” they might say, “I feel like you don’t listen.”
Respond calmly and softly, even if the other person speaks cruelly.
Respect the other person’s feelings and refrain from speaking sarcastically and condescendingly.
Try to focus on the issue instead of attacking the person.
Both speakers and listeners should try to follow the Golden Rule: “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12).
If Conflicts Reignite
As couples learn to communicate, they can more effectively extinguish conflicts. Still, they may wrestle with issues tethered to strong feelings or deep hurts, and the potential is there for the conflict to reignite.
Spouses need to sincerely ask for forgiveness when they react poorly. They also need to be quick to offer forgiveness. Though they might be tempted to use the latest hurt to try to “win” an argument, doing so will only cause the conflict to burn more intensely.
“Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9). “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).
As couples learn to communicate better, they will recognize the signs of escalating tension and will take immediate steps to calm the situation—often by apologizing. Or perhaps they will temporarily stop the discussion and come up with a way to guide their conversation. Some, for instance, agree to only speak when they’re holding a certain object to make sure they don’t interrupt each other. Sometimes couples might agree to just stop the discussion and address the issue later.
If couples decide to stop the discussion, they should always establish a time to talk about it later. When people are frustrated, they might be tempted to drop the issue completely, preferring to avoid any difficult conversations. This does not work; the absence of conflict doesn’t make a marriage flourish. Instead, this avoidance, sometimes resulting in the “silent treatment,” causes even more problems.
Sometimes conversations reignite conflict not because of what one spouse says but because of the other spouse’s assumptions. People—especially frustrated, hurt people—can easily interpret words negatively and assign malicious motives to the speaker. They then respond based on these assumptions. This can prompt the other spouse to also respond harshly.
Some refer to this as the “crazy cycle.” Couples can only stop this cycle when they pause, calm down, and communicate in a way that goes beyond these feelings and assumptions. They must bring these assumptions to the light and expose them to the truth.
Beauty From Ashes
After the fire in Bastrop County, Texas, residents met to discuss the future of their community. When the meeting was over, attendees took home small pine trees to restore the forest. Officials had supplied 450,000 pine seedlings to replace the destroyed trees. No one wanted to return to an area with nothing but dead stumps. Everyone wanted the forest to once again grow and flourish.
In the same way, God doesn’t want couples to extinguish conflicts just so they can stay married. He wants much more than that. He wants their marriages to grow stronger—to flourish.
Loving God; Loving Each Other
Trees don’t grow on their own. They need energy from the sun and rain from the sky. Likewise, couples can’t make marriages thrive on their own. To love each other fully, a couple needs to embrace God’s love. The healthiest, strongest marriages put God at the center. As each spouse draws closer to Him, the other is encouraged to draw closer as well.
As this happens, a couple better understands God’s steadfast love for them. The Apostle John famously describes this love in John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
When God’s sacrificial love fills the hearts of couples, it will naturally overflow. With God’s love in their hearts, they will support each other, no matter the circumstances. They become willing to sacrifice for each other.
When spouses place God at the center of their marriage, their ultimate satisfaction comes from their relationship with Him. As a result, they won’t expect or demand more of their marriage than God intends. Instead of seeing their marriage primarily as a source of their own happiness, they see it as a means to grow in holiness and be more like Jesus.
To put God at the center of their marriage, a couple needs to first put Him at the center of their lives. This begins with repentance. True repentance goes beyond just stopping bad habits—it goes deep into the heart. It causes people to recognize that they need a new heart—one that only God can give. God gives couples His Holy Spirit to live in them and direct them. He also gives them other believers to encourage them, teach them, and hold them accountable.
Only with God at the center will a marriage thrive.
Seeds of Friendship
The largest trees in America, the giant redwoods, began life as seeds less than a millimeter in length.
Likewise, thriving marriages need “seeds” to nurture growth. These are the small, simple deeds and moments scattered throughout the day that turn couples into best friends. When couples become best friends, they don’t just love each other—they like each other! They enjoy the emotional intimacy of pleasure, happiness, respect, tenderness, compassion, and joy. They can easily laugh together, talk together, cry together, relax together, suffer together, and grow together.
To build this friendship, couples start with seeds of communication. They must take time at the beginning of the day, during the day, or at the end of the day to simply talk. They can ask about each other’s day—about the things that delight them or stress them. They can ask about each other’s tomorrows and the hopes and fears surrounding them. Couples will also want to communicate in ways that encourage deeper conversations—conversations that help them learn more about each other and about God.
Along with communication, couples can build bonds of friendship through meaningful touch: holding hands, hugs, back rubs.
Friendships also blossom through the seeds of shared memories: those special times and routines couples set apart to enjoy each other’s company. For instance, couples might share a cup of coffee every morning before going to work, and they make sure to say “I love you” before parting. Likewise, they might do chores together.
Along with these daily moments, couples can plant seeds through regular date nights. They might also celebrate special anniversaries—not just those anniversaries all couples celebrate, but anniversaries unique to their own relationship.
Finally, couples create shared memories by respecting each other’s hobbies and passions and participating in them, even if they don’t enjoy them as much. As one counselor said, “Thriving couples don’t spend time together because they are happy. They are happy because they spend time together.”
Regardless of how couples spend their time, these seeds will grow better when they are nourished with patience and gratitude. These seeds may not revolutionize a marriage overnight, but couples should continue to plant them even when things don’t go as smoothly as they hoped.
Not Just “I Do,” but “I Will”
When Jesus forbade divorce, the disciples seemed to panic. “If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry,” they said. Their culture, it seemed, had convinced them that couples sometimes had to divorce. Without that option, the disciples didn’t think people should marry. Today’s culture says essentially the same thing.
God has sympathy for those in such difficult situations, and He calls Christians to treat the suffering with compassion and care. But we cannot compromise God’s standards, even if it requires difficult sacrifices. People can’t remedy sin by
sinning further.
No matter the reasoning used to justify divorce, it never fulfills its promises. For married couples, true satisfaction comes through commitment. By staying married, a couple obeys God.
If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full (John 15:10-11). For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous (1 John 5:3).
In the early 1990s, a psychologist pronounced a couple named Stephen and Sherry “incompatible.” They separated in 1992, then came back together a year later. After more struggles, they separated again in 1999. This time Stephen planned to end the marriage for good.
But then he felt God telling him to go home and love his wife—to love her unconditionally and selflessly. “The ‘me’ part of me died that day . . . The next day it no longer mattered whether there was any hope or not. I had to do what God told me to do: go home and love my wife and children.”
In 2020, they celebrated forty-five years of marriage.
Stephen sums it up well: “The way it feels to hold her hand . . . There are no words for it.”
